Well Ella & Wee Boaby hud arrived at their Studio Flat in Tenerife, Ella busyed hursel with the unpacking while Boaby did a little exploring!
Och! Boaby it's one Oh they Bed Settee things that jist fold oot when yer ready fur bed! ...That's it there!
Tell Yea Whit Boaby! Continued Ella ...After I've dun here lets go and get sumthin tae eat and mabye hay a wee Drinkie as well! ..Whit dae yea say?
So Half an Hour later Ella and Boaby were wandering the Streets, With Ella Cooing and Awing over the various Tropical Flowers and Cacti.
Suddenly She stopped in her tracks!..... BOABY!....she Shouted ...Her eyes glued to a Shopfront Window ....OH! BOABY LOOK!
Look Boaby! A trip the morra oan a Real Sailing ship .... Lookin fur Dolphins and Whales ...Oh Boaby! I've never seen a Whale ....Kin we go?
Ach! a bluddy Whale is jist a big Fish! Like yea get at Toni's the Chippies but bigger and we nae Batter! Whit the Hell dae yea want tae waste yer money on that Fur?
Cause I've never been anywhere! I've never seen nothing! and I've never dun anything since you and me got Spliced! said Ella with a threating look in hur eyes..... Noo!... I want tae go and see the Whales ....Right?
Aye! Right dinna get yur KNICKERS in a Twist then, Bluddy Whales it is! Go Oan and book the Trip! said Boaby
In rushed Ella returning shortly stuffing 2 tickets into her Purse! We get a Bus ootside the Shop the Morra Mornin, That takes us right tae the Boat.
Boaby and Ella went down a flight of stairs to a Shopping Mall and spotted a small but busy Cafetria/Bar.
As they walked over to one of the tables this Swarthy Spanish Fella in a Blue Jacket ran over to them.
I get you Sevrice now! he said before Disappearing into the crowds of Customers!
Emm! Excuse me for the Interruption!...I'm Nigel Newgent for Newark! I couldn't help overhearing you Conversation ...Perhaps I could be of some assistance ....You see what Hose Shouted was OLLA which is Spanish for Hello!..... He was not referring to your Wife at all!
SEE! Said ella looking accusingly at Boaby! Yea always get the wrang end oh the stick!
Thanks very much Nigel!....Are you here oan yur Holidays? said Ella in her Poshest Glasgow accent!
Yes!... I pop over every couple of months,... I have a couple of flats here and like to ensure the smooth running of them!
OH! Lovely said Ella ....Innit Boaby? she said giving the Wee Man a dig in the Ribs.
However Boaby was more concerned that the Spanish waiter had just arrived at the table and was looking at him Expectedly!
Aye!... Right Jimmy .....Geez a Pint oh Heavy fur masel and a Wee Orange fur the strife here!
Mmm! Excuse me again said Nigel, But they don't serve Pints in Tenerife and certainly not Scottish beer! I would suggest you try the local Brew.
Thanks for helpin us oot there!@5 She said trying to disguise her thick Glasgow accent!
The Waiter smiled: Placed a large glass of fresh Orange in front of Ella, Then turned to Boaby and deposited ....What to the Wee Man ....Looked like a Test tube ...Then he poured a small splash of beer into the glass before placing the bottle on the table and disappearing back into the crowd!
Whit the Buggering Hell is he playin at? asked Boaby ...Staring at the dribble of beer in the bottom of his testtube!
Naughty Nigel! Steps in again! Oh thats how they serve you over here! They just pour a small sample of beer into your glass to ensure that its not flat, Try it I think you will find it rather pleasent!
Boaby lifted the Bottle to his lips and took a large Swallow ...Well it's no to bad he said returning the Bottle to the Table, But its no hella big.
Well.... said the everknowing Nigel.... if you require another refreshment just raise your arm in the air and he will return!
Wee Boaby looked at ELLA and stuck his arm up in the Air ....Sure enough the waiter flew over ....Picked up the Empty Bottle rushed off and returned seconds later with a refill.
BRILLIANT! Said Boaby liftin the Bottle to his lips! ...Draining the Contents and raising his arm again!
Here! Ella said Boaby ...After his fifth Bottle ....Yon daft Dago oh a waiter hiz served me five times and furgot tae charge me each time! I wunner how they make any profit!
In Pops Nigel..... Oh! .... they will serve you all night ...But you get the bill before you leave....Then you settle up with the owner!
Oh! said the Wee man slightly disappointed ....They wouldn't get aff wie that in Glasga pubs!
Two more bottles quickly disappeared down Boaby's throat before Ella decided it was time to return to the flat, She beckoned the Waiter and settled the bill!
AYE! YEA Kin BUGGER aff and leave me alone before I put ma fit where the Sun Don't shine! Screamed Wee Boaby
OH! Christ am affie Sorry Nigel! said Ella. Jist ignore him he's Pure Pished!
Somehow Ella managed to half carry Boaby back to the Flat and deposited him into the Sofa bed.
Wee Boaby slept soundly until around 3 am! When He briefly came to, Prised his tongue from the Pillow .... Arose to empty his Bladder and returned to the Kitchen area. Quietly (So as not to waken Ella) He groped around until he found a large glass Jug, Filled it with water from the kitchen sink, and Drank it down in a oner!
Ukk! Even the Bluddy Waters warm! Muttered Boaby before returning to bed and promptly falling asleep again!
The next time Boaby opened his eyes, it was around 7.30am, and he quietly watched Ella Fiddling around with one of the ornaments on the wall unit, Before she trotted off to the Toilet!
OH!..... Fur Christ sake ....We HUV the technology! ...We CAN rebuild him! ...Whit a bluddy state you wer in last night!
Whit! screamed Boaby It musta been thon Nigel Poofer pit something in ma drink ....the Sleekit wee sod!
Noo! go and get ready ....We've a Boat tae catch! ...Oh! and pit the Kettle oan when yer Passin!
Boaby Stumbled to the kitchen and picked up the Kettle and proceeded to the Kitchen sink.
NAW! screamed Ella ....Dinna use the tap water ...Use the water in that big plastic Bottle!
Bought?...Bottled? Jeezs Christ don't tell me yer wastin Money buying Bluddy Water! It no even fermented fur Godsake!
Shaking his head in disbelief Boaby filled the Kettle from a large plastic Bottle and headed for the Toilet.
30 Minutes later Boaby and Ella were standing at the Bus stop out side the shop they had visited the Previous night.
Christ there just big fishy things! wie a six inch layer oh Blubber and a hole at the top oh their heid! ....Come tae think oh it! It sounds mair like yer Mither!
Fur Christ sake! Said Boaby I've seen better rejects at the bottom oh the pile at Shuggie Broons ScrapYard.
Ssshh! ...... Come oan! Shouted Ella ...and they clambered aboard the Ricketty old vehicle!
Boaby and Ella headed up to the Back seat, and after around 20 other tourists had boarded the Bus took off. Rattling and Bumping down the Narrow streets.
The Bus driver seemed to have perfected the Art of driving with one hand out the window....Gesturing to other drivers and the other placed permanently on the horn ...Presumably steering with his knees!
Twenty long uncomfortable minutes later the Bus pulled up at a small docks, The MAD Driver stood...Smiling at the front of the Vehicle with his hand out stretched expectantly!
I'll Tip the Bad Mastard in the bluddy harbour!...He musta learnt tae drive on a Elephant or somethin.
Ah! Fur Christ sake ....It's bluddy ancient! ...It's probably crawlin wie WidWorm! ...Weel be lucky tae get oot oh the Harbour.
Boaby and Ella joined the rest of the Passingers aboard the "Old Sailing Ship" and 10 minutes later the "Crew" Hoisted the Sails.
Whit dae yea Mean wer Aff? They Bluddy sails are tiny and there nae even a breath oh Wind!
Suddenly with a Roar two Marine Engines burst into life and the Ship edged away from the Dockside.
As Boaby and Ella stood at the Port side of the Ship, looking down at the crystal clear water, Boaby's Stomach gave a loud... "RUMBLE"
"Whit?" ...."How should I know?" said Boaby rubbing his Stomach and looking puzzled.
Maybe yer Hungry! Said Ella ....I'll go and get us a Wee sumthin tae eat and drink ....I'll be back in a minute.
Suddenly this Pain hit Boaby Squarely in the Stomach. So severe that the Wee man doubled over, His Prized Bunnet slippin off his head and into the Water.
Five Minutes later Boaby was still sitting there Hugging his Stomach, Ella's words ringing in his Ears "That's no Drinkin Water"
The pain subsided, Boaby felt drained But peaceful and the gentle rocking of the Boat, Suddenly Boaby drifted off to sleep.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
OH CHRIST! Screamed Ella ....HE'S FALLIN IN.....BOABY!..... BOOOOOAAAAABY! .....Screamed Ella ...HELP! HELP! MAN OVERBOARD.
Ma Man huz fell in! Said Ella ....Look there's his Bunnet!.......... BOOOAAABBY! She Screamed bursting into Tears.
The Captain arrived at Ella's side, and in broken English tried to give her words of Comfort.
10 Minutes went past before the Crew members came out of the water. Shaking their heads to indicate they couldn't find any sign of Boaby.
"OH! BOOAABY." Sobbed Ella,... The Spanish Captain putting his large hairy arms around her for Comfort.
The Boat now lying dead in the water, Suddenly Boaby was awake. "Affie Quiet" He muttered ..."Musta found some Whales!"
Boaby came accross a large crowd of Passingers all huddled on one part of the Deck and slowly pushed his way through to see what they were all looking at.
Screamed Boaby launching himself accross the Deck and planting a perfect "Glasga Kiss" on the Captains Nose.
The force of this Headbutt was such that the Captain did a backward Summersault and Disappeared over the side.
Two of the Crew Grabbed Boaby by the Arms and the third dived over the side to Rescue the unconcious Captain.
Aaarrgh! Screamed Ella! letting fly with her Handbag "i'll gie yea whit fur Yea Wee Bugger!"
As the bag flew through the air, Boaby lifted his legs and fell to the deck, much to the surprise of the two crewmen. The Handbag caught one of them Square in the face and he fell overboard, Knocking the other crewmember and the Captain back into the water.
The remaining Crewman tried the grab Ella but tripped over Boaby and knocked himself out on the deck!
Now with all the Spannish crew either outcold or floundering in the water, Ella rained free and landed several Heafty kicks intae Boaby before the two of them were overpowered and held to the deck by the rest of the Passingers.
Eventually the Crewmen hauled their Outcold Captain onto the deck, and Manhandled Boaby and Ella down a flight of stairs and securely locked them in a small dark cabin!
Dae yea think they huv Kidnapped us and ur holdin us fer Ransom maybe! says Ella with a terrified look on her Face.
My Mammy! Mind she got that wee policy wi the Provie commin oot soon, and she stays jist doon the road from thon Spanish Resturant ....Maybe she let it slip that she!s comin intae Money and they contacted their Relations over here!
Ach! Away an no be daft Ella....Your Mither widna Part wie anything! Christ if she hud the Measles she wouldna gie ye wan! She'll no pay any ransom.
30 Minutes later, Boaby and Ella still sitting in the Dark Cabin, Felt the boat giving a gentle bump and suddenly the engines went Quiet!
But before Boaby could reply the Cabin door burst open and in rushed 6 heavily armed men, Who grabbed the couple forcing then against the wall and tying their hands behind their backs!
Suddenly the terrified couple were gagged, and bodily carried by the gang on to the deck and bundled into a waiting Van which was driven off at high Speed.
10 Minutes later they were dragged from the van and thrown into another small locked room! although this time their bonds were removed.
JEZZUS CHRIST! said Boaby This holiday is turnin inta a bluddy Nightmare,... How could wie no jist go tae Millport like I said?
Suddenly the Room door opened and in stepped a Fair skinned man dressed in a smart lightweight suit.
Oh! Thank Christ yer here Mr FartinTight ...Said Ella Yea huv no Idea whit we've been through....Furst Boaby wiz missin and I wiz telt he wiz Deid, Then they all jumped us and Held us tae Ransom.... But my Mammy widna pay up so they sold us aff tae Pirates...Kin yea help rescue us?
Colin Fairlight just stood blinking ...Trying to make sense of this Stupid and Excitable woman ....So much so that he even overlooked the mispronouncment of his name!
FAIR---LIGHT ...Shouted mr FartinTight ... F-A-I-R-L-I-G-H-T... and you two are in trouble!
I mean you have both been Arrested by the Spanish Authorities! You have both been Charged with ATTEMPTED MURDER,GRIEVOUS BODILY HARM AND RESISTING ARREST. The best you can hope for is 25 YEARS each in a jail on the Spanish Mainland!
However! .... There is a Chance for you, I have spoken to Captain Moriola and he has agreed to drop all the charges against you ...Provided you accept Instant Deportation.......And before you ask!....That means that you shall be taken from this place of imprisonment, Under an Armed Guard. Straight to the Airport and placed upon the next available flight to Glasgow. All your valuables and possessions shall be confiscated and sold at auction with the Proceeds going to pay for the damages you have caused to person and Property....Do I make myself clear?
Aye! Dinnae get yer Baa's in a twist man!... A wiz kiddin yea oan!.... Jist tak us hame will yea!
Boaby and Ella had to hand over their Watches and all monies and Jewllery to a big Polis Man and 30 minutes later were escorted into the back of a van and taken straight on to an Aeroplane bound for Glasgow.
Ach! said Ella wiping her eyes. Its a disaster ....We've lost
everythin...All oor claes and all. But worse that that, I pit oor spendin
money in one oh they wee ornaments on the unit in the flat ....Noo it's all
gone four Hunner Pound.
Ach! its no that bad! Said Boaby ......I seen yea buggerin aboot wie the ornament and hud a look!....Aye I thought tae mysel....Leavin the money there...and the Bluddy boat goes doon ..... It'll go tae yer Mither ...Well no chance! ...Better at the bottom oh the sea wie me!....So ah stuck it in ma sock!
Tell yea whit! Said Boaby ...When we get back...How aboot you and me getting a wee sit doon Curry and then a couple oh haufs in the "Piston Broke"